Giving feedback on something subjective

How to get someone to change their “tone” without it feeling like an attack on their personality.

👋 Howdy! Claire here, CEO of Canopy. If you’ve been enjoying reading my original writing here, I wanted to share two other ways to gain even deeper leadership insights…

(1) Receive free daily leadership tips when you sign-up for Canopy (and receive them on your phone if you download our free iOS app along with it). Learn more about Canopy here 🌿

(2) Work with me personally and our team to implement a custom leadership training program for your internally-promoted managers, based on our past decade of research. Learn more about Canopy for Teams here 🏔️

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One of the most common question I receive from new managers and CEOs alike is:

“How do I give feedback to someone on something subjective? Such as, their tone and/or personality?”

The more subjective the feedback seems to be, the deeper the quagmire.

After all, the more open something is to interpretation, the more difficult it is to describe. 

How do you put into words why your team member’s last message was so grating? 

How do you explain that this person’s tone was condescending to the rest of the team? 

Subjective feedback also feels doubly more difficult to be convincing about.

A jury judges on evidence, and if the evidence feels shaky, the other person may feel unfairly accused. They may get defensive, push back…

You already are mentally steeling yourself for the conflict. Dreading the anger or disappointment the other person might feel.

A part of you starts to wonder if it’s even worth the energy and time to give the feedback: Maybe it’s just in my head, maybe it’s really not that bad, maybe I can sit on it a while longer…

And that’s when things explode. When you’ve waited too long to say something, and so your silence was internalized as tacit approval. The very behavior you were hoping to curtail has now been exacerbated, and has spread to the rest of the team.

Without pruning, the tinder has caught fire. Flames have erupted. Now everything is burning.

How do we avoid this? How do we give feedback on something as subjective as tone or even personality, to avoid negative behavior spiraling into something bigger?

A few critical concepts to keep in mind…

#1:  Relieve yourself of the pressure to be “purely objective.”

First, we must reject an internal false narrative we often have of feedback:  

That our feedback needs to be “purely objective.”

Purely objective feedback doesn’t quite exist. All feedback is filtered through our own observations, our own lens of what we believe expectations are at work, and what we think is needed for the team to be successful. Feedback is our own extrapolation of what we think could and should get better in a team. And that’s all relatively subjective.

Don’t burden yourself with thinking you need to deliver some universal truth in your feedback. It’s just your perspective. And it’s just about trying to help the team get better. 

Of course, the inherent subjectivity of feedback does not give us license to be rude or demeaning. Nor does it give us permission to lean into malicious bias and discrimination. Rather, the whole point of giving feedback is out of an attempt to be helpful. To be constructive. To contribute to the shared goals you all have as a team.

And so what matters most is how the feedback is in service of the overall goals of the team that you’re looking to achieve. 

Which brings me to my next point, and the real nexus of how to give feedback on something that seems more subjective…

#2:  Reference and re-reference the work (not the person).

Conventional wisdom tells us that subjective feedback is hard because it’s personal.

So in our attempt to “de-personalize” the feedback, we dilute it. We say, “Overall you did really great and maybe if we could tweak our language a little bit it’d be even better”…

When in reality, what we were trying to say was, “There’s an entirely different communication approach that I think would be much more effective.”

The key to “de-personalizing” feedback isn’t watering down the content: Rather, it’s connecting the content of your feedback to the work.

Reference and re-reference the work itself. Tie the feedback you’re giving to what the project needs, what’s necessary for team productivity, and how it helps the goals you’re trying to achieve. 

You’re not trying to say something about the recipient of your feedback as a person, or make a statement about their psyche. 

You’re asking someone to adjust their tone so that work can get done easier, so clients can feel better supported, so team members feel less on edge. 

You’re connecting the feedback to the work itself, the expectations of the workplace, and overall outcomes you’re all aiming for.

For example, some phrases you can try:

• “I think a shift in [behavior change] could be really helpful to [specific goal], which is what we all ultimately care about.”

• “In order for us to get our work done well, I’d love it if we could try [behavior change].”

(I share more examples below in the “real life situations” section.)

Keep the work as the frame of reference, as you deliver the feedback. 

#3:  Acknowledge the conditions that enable the behavior. 

No one operates in a vacuum. There’s likely a very compelling reason for why this person is doing what they’ve been doing all this time. 

Some of the most common reasons include:

• They’ve been rewarded for this behavior in the past (perhaps at another job).

• They’re current behavior is how they’ve gotten to where they are today, and so they feel no need to change anything.

• They’re worried about their own results and performance, and overcompensate accordingly.

• They feel pressure from you as their manager or other external forces, and so the non-ideal behavior is reinforced.

(While never fun to consider if we ourselves have in fact been encouraging the bad behavior, it is nonetheless important if we want this person’s behavior to change.)

If you can surmise any of these conditions to be true, you can then acknowledge the role that they might play in the unwanted behavior. And then when you give your feedback, the other person will feel as though you’re coming from a place of understanding rather than finger-pointing. 

We don’t think the other person is cruel or crazy or incompetent for acting a certain way — we understand where they were coming from. And now, we are just asking them to do something different. 

#4:  Paint a compelling picture of a path forward.

If you’re asking someone to change their behavior – likely a very ingrained and previously successful behavior – you’ll want to make it as easy as possible for them to change.

You need to provide a picture of an alternate future. 

What exactly would it look like to do things differently? What would this person need to stop and starting doing?

Oftentimes when the feedback seems more fuzzy and harder to describe, the quickest way to have it feel clearer and concrete is to contrast it with examples of what you would like to see different instead. 

For instance, you might try these phrases:

• “Here’s what this might look like differently…”

• “As an example, here’s what you could try next time…”

Yes, these phrases seem to simplistic to read on a page. But they are much harder to organically weave into a conversation.

Because of this, I’ve detailed more specific suggestions for how to put this into practice….

How to apply these concepts in real-life situations.

Here are several real situations that different executives have shared with me around subjective feedback they’ve wanted to share…

🛑 Situation #1:  Your direct report tends to be abrupt and short with clients.

Your direct report responds with curt “No” answers to clients with little explanation. Other times, this person responds to a client in a defensive or presumptuous way — something that isn’t reflective of your brand and how you want to be supportive of the customer.

How to give feedback in this situation…

Especially if this person is a high performer, you’ll want to make it clear how their current behavior does not help them achieve the team’s goals:

“Hey ___, I’m wondering if it’s possible to warm up some of our communications with clients? Client relations is super critical for retention and overall revenue — and every touchpoint of communication counts.

As a result, when we leave one-word answers or don’t go out of our way to help a client feel supported, it can make a difference between whether they choose to work with us in the future or not.

Here are some examples of ways I think we could warm up our tone:  [Share very specific examples of how you might reword the past few communications].  What do you think?  What are other ways we can be more friendly and supportive to clients? Is this something you think you could take on and prioritize?”

You may also want to recognize what might be contributing to the conditions for them to continue their current behavior. For example:

“I realize that you may be focused on efficiency and speed — which I appreciate. But for client communications, we want to in fact prioritize quality and care, and so feel free to take longer to respond, or even have me or another team member review your messages before sending. It’s a different mode than probably what you’ve been operating in before, and so I understand if it takes a beat to get used to. I’m happy to help with the transition.”

The keys here are:

• Avoid accusation:  Notice there’s no “you come across as harsh” or “you seem cold.” It’s about the work.

• Provide specific examples. It’s hard to understand what “better tone” is without providing real examples. This helps make more subjective feedback feel more concrete and easier to act on. 

• Show that you understand where they’re coming from, and that you’re assuming they too care about high performance and what the tone should be. 

Here’s another situation, to consider…

🔥 Situation #2:   A manager who reports to you tends to be harsh to their direct reports.

You’ve had several of their direct reports come to you saying, “It’s really demoralizing that this person is so aggressive.” A few team members have even gotten emotional when you’ve seen them in the office, after a 1:1 conversation with this manager. 

How to give feedback in this situation…

Because this is someone who seems to value directness, don’t be afraid to get to the point quickly, and then share how you understand what the conditions are that may be causing them to act that way:

“Hey ___, I was wondering if we could try a different approach when communicating with your direct reports. I’ve noticed several team members emotionally negatively affected after their communications with you, and that’s something that can definitely hurt overall team morale and productivity.

We’re all working under a lot of pressure and stress already, and so I’m sure that makes things harder to get things done. I know that you have super good intentions here, and are laser-focused on productivity amidst all the high-pressure we’re under — but I think there are some unintended consequences of how you’re communicating now that I’d love to see if you’re open to adjusting.

For example, is there a way to approach these conversations from a more coaching perspective? Here’s some questions and language that I was thinking we could try for instance… [Share some specific examples.]”

The keys here are:

• Make the link between the desired behavior change and its effect on the work itself clear: It’s “something that can definitely hurt overall team morale and productivity.”

• Affirm that you don’t think this person is evil, and acknowledge that everyone is in a high pressure situation that may be contributing to tensions all around. 

• Offer examples of what an alternate path could look like. Show the amount of change you’re looking for with specific suggested questions and language – don’t just assume they know.

Applying this to your reality.

Nothing I’ve shared here can be precisely prescriptive for what you’re currently facing at work. We are too nuanced as human beings for that to be true 😀 Distinct personalities, proclivities, and past work experiences all color how someone might respond to any of the concepts I shared here today.

However, what I can confidently say is that having a framework, at minimum, like the one I shared above, can guide you through these conversations more smoothly, and with less anxiety.

Remember:

1. Relieve yourself of the pressure to be “purely objective.”

2. Reference and re-reference the work (not the person).

3. Acknowledge the conditions that enable the behavior. 

4. Paint a compelling picture of a path forward.

You don’t have to grimace when you realize you need to give subjective feedback. You don’t have to be tormented by dread of the upcoming feedback conversation.

My hope is you’ll view these conversations as an opportunity for progress, growth, and the possibility that your team will now start to get better.

That possibility may feel small, at the moment. But it begins with giving feedback, even when it feels subjective.

I look forward to hearing of it all.

-Claire

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✨ For a deeper dive, be sure to check out “The Feedback Loop” in Canopy. And if you’re keen to share best practices like this with all your managers, we personally design custom leadership training programs, including on feedback and performance conversations. Learn more here.

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💚 If you’ve been enjoying reading my original writing here, I wanted to share two other ways to gain even deeper leadership insights…

(1) Receive free daily leadership tips when you sign-up for Canopy (and receive them on your phone if you download our free iOS app along with it). Learn more about Canopy here 🌿

(2) Work with me personally and our team to implement a custom leadership training program for your internally-promoted managers, based on our past decade of research. Learn more about Canopy for Teams here 🏔️