If You're a Nice Person, Read This Before Giving Feedback

A nice person's manifesto to being more direct

Apr 10, 2025

👋 Howdy! Claire here, Founder & CEO of Canopy. I've spent the last decade studying 50+ years worth of leadership research and training 30,000+ leaders. Each week, I distill all my learnings in this weekly newsletter.

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Last year, I gave what I believed was thoughtful, effective feedback to a team member. This was his response to me:

“Claire, please don't be so nice about it. I want you to be even more direct — and don't spend so much time writing it up. That's a waste of time. Just tell it to me quickly, bluntly.”

I almost laughed out loud because of how marvelously helpful it was for me. It revealed an important truth: My “niceness'“ wasn't serving either of us.

How about for you?

If you've ever canceled a feedback meeting last minute because “now isn't the right time,” spent an hour crafting an email only to save it in “Drafts” in perpetuity, or found yourself nodding and smiling when you should be addressing performance issues — this article is for you. You might even have a mental list of conversations you know you need to have but keep pushing off week after week.

Your “niceness” isn't actually nice. It might be your biggest liability as a leader.

If you're nice, you typically fall into this pattern when giving feedback:

You fear judgment: What if they think you're harsh, nit-picky, or unreasonable?
You protect your “nice person” identity: You've naturally want to be liked (who doesn’t!) and are more comfortable avoiding conflict.
You over-empathize: You imagine how hurt they might feel and talk yourself out of delivering the message.
You downgrade the issue: “Maybe it's not that big a deal” or “Perhaps I'm overreacting” becomes your internal monologue.

The result? You either say nothing at all or deliver something that sounds suspiciously like praise:

“Keep doing what you're doing, just maybe consider...”

“This is good work, but when you have time...”

Then comes the confusion: Your team member hears something positive, continues the same behavior, and you're left wondering why nothing changes while your frustration silently builds.

This pattern doesn't just damage your effectiveness as a leader — optimizing for niceness actively harms the people you're trying to protect.

That's why nice people (I'm right there with you!) need to remember these crucial truths about feedback…

This is your job.

Remind yourself that this is, in fact, a huge part of what it means to be an effective manager. The other person needs to know where they stand and where they can improve. If you don't tell them, they simply won't know and will continue making the same mistakes.

Think of it this way: If you hired a gym trainer who never corrected your posture or exercise form, would they be doing their job properly? Of course not. And so the same thing goes for being a leader. Providing regular, meaningful feedback is one of the core responsibilities of an effective leader.

When you withhold necessary feedback, you're essentially doing your job half-done.

The other person WANTS to know.

No one wants to silently suffer. Your team members don't want to look incompetent in front of others, and they don't want you to think they're incapable. They want to know what they could be doing better.

A 2014 study published in Harvard Business Review by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman found that 57% of people prefer corrective feedback to praise, and 72% said their performance would improve with more corrective feedback. It's more disrespectful to mince words or try to soften feedback because it implies that they can't handle it or don't have an appetite for hearing what they need to improve.

Early in my career, I once worked with a team member who was consistently making small errors in client communications. After months of gentle hints that weren't working, I finally had a direct conversation.

Her response? “Why didn't you tell me sooner?”

Direct is kind.

If you really care about being nice, remind yourself that being direct is a form of kindness. It shows that you respect the other person enough to be forthcoming. That you've put in the thought and consideration to articulate exactly what you want to change. It also means you care enough to take the time to actually communicate openly with them.

The kindest thing you can do is be clear. Ambiguity creates anxiety, while clarity — even when challenging — provides a path forward. Consider this: Would you rather spend months wondering why you keep getting passed over for opportunities, or have one uncomfortable moment of truth that allows you to improve?

Here's how this works in practice…

🔴 Don't say: “The presentation looked nice! Maybe when you have some extra time, you might want to double-check some of those numbers?”

🟢 Say this: “The data on slides 5 and 8 contained errors that I had to correct before the client meeting. We need all presentations to be fact-checked before submission.”

🔴 Don't say: “I noticed the report was a bit delayed. No big deal, but whenever you can try to be more mindful of timelines...”

🟢 Say this: “I need you to submit reports by their deadlines. The last three reports were late, which delayed our team's analysis. What support do you need to meet Friday's deadline?”

(I have more tips for being clear in this article here.)

Recognize what you're trying to avoid/optimize for.

Often, as nice people, we hesitate because we don't want to be seen as “an asshole.” But this is actually a distraction from what's really happening. When we're overly nice, we're trying to please the other person and make them think favorably of us. In other words, we're prioritizing our reputation over telling the truth or having a hard conversation. We're optimizing for ourselves — rather than the other person. And that's inherently not a very nice thing to do.

Take a moment to ask yourself: “Who am I really protecting with my silence? The team member or my own comfort?” Research from organizational psychologists shows that this self-protective behavior often stems from our own past experiences receiving harsh feedback. We overcompensate by going too far in the opposite direction.

You cannot control their reaction — but you can control your own preparation and execution.

The way to overcome the niceness that's holding you back is to come properly prepared — you can control this. You can come to the conversation fully prepared to give direct and kind feedback.

Before a difficult feedback conversation, try spending 5-15 minutes with this preparation:

Write down the specific behavior that needs to change
Note the impact this behavior has on work outcomes
Decide on one clear request you'll make

Research has shown that leaders who prepare specific examples and focus on behaviors rather than personality traits report more successful feedback conversations and less emotional aftermath.

I talk more about how to prepare for giving feedback well here — but know that you can put in the upfront work.

Make sure to say the thing!

I remember the Co-Founder of Intercom, Des Traynor, telling me on a podcast we did together a few years ago, how he'd once written out feedback he wanted to give to an employee on a Post-it note. Then, he amped himself up for a difficult conversation... But after the conversation was over, realized he hadn't said the very thing written on the Post-it note 😅

Des, like so many of us, was betrayed by his own niceness.

It's easy to dance around the issue — but you absolutely need to make the clear, descriptive ask. You can absolutely share your intention and context for the feedback… But don't forget to say the thing. For example:

🔴 Don't say: “Just wanted to mention that clients sometimes like more detailed updates, so whenever you think it might be helpful, consider adding a bit more information to your emails.”

🟢 Say this: “Our client has expressed confusion about our project status twice this month. I need you to send weekly updates that include specific milestones completed, current challenges, and expected deliverables for the coming week.”

I've seen leaders firsthand spend 7 minutes of a 10-minute feedback conversation on preamble and only 3 minutes on the actual message. If you can't summarize your feedback in a single, clear sentence, you're not ready to have the conversation.

One way to do this is to make sure you have a “headline first” for all feedback. Start with the main point before providing context or examples. This way, you make sure you always say the thing.

Perfect is not possible, and it's also not the goal.

Accept that you might flub. That you might accidentally add more words than necessary or use a tone that you didn't intend. But perfection isn't the goal. The goal is to give it your best. There's no alternate reality where things could have gone better or worse. There's only the reality you have, and it is your job as a leader to face it, address it, and do everything in your power to help support this person to be better – that includes giving feedback.

Countless research has supported that delays in feedback hurt performance and learning, especially around course-correction. A perfect message delivered too late is worth less than the good-enough message delivered on time.

Before your next feedback conversation, try this perspective shift: Ask yourself, “If I were in their position, would I rather hear this imperfectly now or perfectly never?'“

Re-read this when you need to

As a self-identifying “nice” person, I know I need to read this too. I needed to be reminded by the team member who told me, “Claire, please don't be nice about it. I want you to be even more direct.”

What I thought was kindness was actually making both our jobs harder. My carefully crafted, time-consuming “nice” feedback wasn't what he needed to improve.

Not every employee will be quite so welcoming or self-aware, but the sentiment remains true: People want clarity, not cushioning. They want a path forward, not protection from the truth.

The next time you catch yourself writing and rewriting that feedback email or rehearsing a conversation that never happens, remember: Your niceness isn't serving either of you. The truly kind thing to do is to say the thing.

After all, that's what you'd want someone to do for you.

-Claire

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