The Anatomy of a Non-Apology

The seemingly innocuous ways an "apology" backfires and causes team resentment — and how to make your apology truly respectful

Mar 20, 2025

👋 Howdy! Claire here, Founder & CEO of Canopy. I've spent the last decade studying 50+ years worth of leadership research and training 30,000+ leaders. Each week, I distill all my learnings in this weekly newsletter.

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You overhear someone apologizing to someone else:

“I'm sorry if you interpreted things that way.”

It seems like a real apology at first listen. (They are saying they’re sorry, after all!)

But the qualifier “if” suggests that perhaps the other person could've interpreted things differently. They’re subtly implying it's on the other person, not themselves.

Whether or not they intended to, they’re absolving themselves from responsibility.

This is what I call a “non-apology” — an attempt to subvert your true culpability in a situation. Usually, it's not because we're ill-intended, but because we’re trying to keep a semblance of forward-momentum with our team.

For instance, I sometimes find myself issuing a non-apology when I'm in a rush (“Let's just focus on the future...”) or when I don't want the team to dwell on a mistake I made (“This was out of my hands...”).

Initially, a non-apology may seem innocuous. But it's death by a thousand cuts — the more you use them, the more it deepens the hurt. The shifting of blame can even become a cultural norm, and infect the entire organization.

One CEO I worked with would buffer mistakes with phrases like, “We're working on it...” without admitting any error or fault on his fault. A top-performing employee confided to me how this drove him “crazy,” because it meant errors would constantly be brushed under the rug, stalling the team. He eventually left the company.

To avoid a similar fate for each of us as leaders, I've identified several common types of non-apologies that we should be conscious of…

Deflecting Non-Apologies

These non-apologies actively push blame away from the leader:

"Mistakes were made" - The passive voice acknowledges error but doesn't assign responsibility.
"I was advised by my team" - You're subtly shifting blame to unnamed others.

Minimizing Non-Apologies

These non-apologies downplay the significance of what happened:

“This was an unforeseen circumstance" - Sometimes, of course, things are unforeseen. But be wary of using this in your apology as it makes it sound like unforeseen equates to unavoidable.
"I regret if anyone was offended" - Similar to the example shared at the beginning of the piece, this frames the problem on others' reactions rather than your actions.

Distraction Non-Apologies

These non-apologies attempt to shift focus away from the mistake:

“Let's focus on moving forward" - Be wary that this attempts to shift attention away from accountability toward future actions. You can encourage folks to move forward, separately — not attached to your apology.
"This is a learning opportunity" - Be mindful in how you use this phrase, as it can sound like you're ignoring any harm caused under the guise of "growth."

Escapist Non-Apologies

These sound like real apologies but contain subtle escapes:

"I take full responsibility, but..." - The "but" usually negates the responsibility you may have claimed to take.
"This has been taken out of context" - When you use this as part of your apology, it sounds like you're trying to wriggle out of accountability: That everyone else is misunderstanding or misrepresenting what happened.

(Note, if something in fact has been taken out of context in a meaningful way, address that separately as part of an explanation for a decision or situation — but not as part of the apology itself.)

Trust me, I've been as guilty as anyone for using these phrases. I reach for them because they feel easy and convenient. Subconsciously, we’ve heard others say the same words, and so take them on as our own. Perhaps that contributes to why they sound hollow and inauthentic on the other end…

But we can stop. We don't have to continue to rely on these non-apologies. Here are the steps we can take to actually give an apology and rebuild trust with our team…

The anatomy of a real apology

Step 1: Say the exact words, "I'm sorry"

Few phrases are more powerful than a simple, unqualified “I'm sorry.”

Not "I'm sorry, but..." or "I'm sorry if..."

Just "I'm sorry." These two words signal genuine remorse and open the door to reconciliation.

A corporate PR team might direct us to use “I apologize”… But remember, we’re not animatrons. We’re human! “I'm sorry” connects on an emotional level that “I apologize” rarely achieves.

Example: “I am truly sorry for my reaction in the meeting.”

Step 2: Own the failure completely

As the leader, the buck stops with you. Even when factors were outside your control, the outcome still falls under your responsibility. This means no finger-pointing, no qualifiers, no deflections.

The harder part is making sure you genuinely feel this ownership internally. If you go off in private and mutter to your executive team, “Well, it wasn't really my fault...” your team will sense the disconnect between your words and beliefs, even if they weren’t in the room to hear your disclosure. Take time to process your own feelings about the mistake before attempting to apologize.

Example: "I take full responsibility. This was my decision, and I own the outcome."

Step 3: Address specifics

Details prove you've reflected deeply on what went wrong and aren't just offering generic platitudes. When you articulate exactly what went wrong and why it mattered, you demonstrate respect for those affected.

Be concrete about what you did wrong. This isn't about self-flagellation, but about clarity and honesty. Avoid the temptation to softly bring others into sharing the blame.

Example: "Here specifically, I made three mistakes: First, I ignored early warning signs. Second, I didn't consult with the team. Third, I rushed the decision."

Step 4: Share your learning

A real apology includes insight: What you've learned and how you'll approach similar situations differently. This provides evidence that you're actually going to change rather than repeat the same errors.

This isn't about irrational self-criticism or dramatic promises. It's about thoughtful reflection that examines both personal actions and systemic factors. The goal is to demonstrate that this experience has created meaningful change in your understanding.

Example: "What I've learned is that I need to listen more carefully to dissenting voices. My desire for quick resolution sometimes silences important concerns."

Step 5: Commit to specific actions

An apology without changed behavior is just empty words. The final step to a real apology is committing to specific actions that will prevent similar mistakes and create better outcomes in the future.

These commitments should be prompt, concrete, and meaningful. This is also the time to address systemic factors that may have contributed to the problem: Incentives, processes, or cultural elements that need adjustment.

Example: "Going forward, I'm implementing three changes: Weekly check-ins with our finance team, a new approval process with documented risk assessment, and hiring a business coach to help me get better at these decisions."

But, what if…?

In an ideal world, you could just follow these 5 steps every time you needed to apologize, and all would go smoothly. But, alas, reality makes things complicated :-) And so here are tips for when you run up against the challenges of reality, in giving your apology…

When you don't actually feel sorry

The obstacle: Sometimes, you genuinely believe you made the right call despite negative outcomes.
The solution: Separate outcome from intent. You can authentically apologize for the impact while acknowledging your reasoning: "While I made this decision based on what I believed was best at the time, I'm genuinely sorry for how it affected the team. The outcome wasn't what any of us wanted."

When you're only partially responsible

The obstacle: The situation involved multiple parties and factors beyond your control.
The solution: Own your part completely without qualification. "While several factors contributed to this situation, I'm taking full responsibility for my role in it. Specifically, I..." This demonstrates integrity without requiring you to shoulder blame for things truly beyond your influence.

When you've apologized before for similar issues

The obstacle: You've apologized for similar mistakes previously, making this apology feel less credible.
The solution: Acknowledge the pattern directly: "I realize I've apologized for something similar before, which likely makes my words seem less meaningful now. That's why I've created this specific plan with clear accountability measures..." Then follow with concrete, verifiable actions.

Getting to the heart of the apology

If you're finding this a bit difficult to put into practice, especially in the heat of the moment, that's completely understandable. It doesn't mean you're a terrible person—it’s likely that you’re tired, depleted, and/or balancing many variables as a leader. The weight on your shoulders is heavy, and the guilt of not apologizing well doesn’t lighten the load.

Instead, keep this in mind: What matters most isn't perfection, but authenticity.

For instance, consider how differently these two approaches land…

“I'm sorry if anyone felt confused by the change in direction.”

Versus…

“I'm sorry. I changed our priorities without proper communication, and that created unnecessary confusion. I've learned I need to bring the team into these decisions earlier, and I'm implementing a new process to ensure that happens.”

The true heart of apologizing well is to feel it genuinely — to recognize the impact of our actions and care deeply about making things right. It's not about diminishing your leadership, it's about strengthening it through vulnerability.

So, the next time you're tempted to say, “I'm sorry if you interpreted things that way,” pause. Apply the anatomy of a real apology, rather than a non-apology.

When you do, our apologies can heal, rather than unintentionally hurt.

-Claire

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