What Real Feedback Sounds Like

You’ve probably faced these exact situations. Here’s how to finally say the thing.

👋 Howdy! Claire here, Founder & CEO of Canopy. I've spent the last decade studying 50+ years worth of leadership research and training 50,000+ leaders. Inspired by a few recent conversations, I wrote up some scripts for common situations I often coach leaders through.

Would love feedback on this piece and if you find me sharing scripts like this helpful. And, do consider sharing this piece with a friend or colleague who you think might enjoy as well…

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Most feedback never gets said.

We hesitate. Overthink. Soften the edges so much that by the time the words come out, they barely land.

Or we convince ourselves we’re being “kind” by not saying it at all… when really, we’re just avoiding discomfort.

I’ve been there. I’ve written (and rewritten, woof!) feedback drafts that sit unsent. I’ve left meetings realizing I didn’t actually say the thing I meant to say.

But over time, I’ve learned this: The kindest, most respectful thing you can do as a leader is to be clear.

Not cruel. Not performatively blunt. Just clear.

In this spirit, I pulled together 7 of the most common situations where feedback often gets delayed, watered down, or avoided entirely. For each, you’ll see two versions:

• Version #1: The vague or sugarcoated way it usually gets said

• Version #2: What real, respectful feedback actually sounds like instead

These scripts are by no means perfect. But I hope they serve as a starting point for finding your own voice in giving direct feedback, rather than staying silent.

They’ve helped me say the thing, especially when it’s hard.

Situation #1: The well-liked team member who’s underdelivering (and doesn’t know it)

They’re confident. Speaking up in meetings, friendly and responsive on Slack. They seem genuinely invested.

But… they consistently miss small details. The quality isn’t there. And when you give feedback, they nod along like they’ve already nailed it.

That disconnect is one of the hardest to navigate. You don’t want to deflate their confidence — but it’s time to close the gap between how they see their performance and what their performance is in reality.

Don’t say:

🔴 “You’re doing great — I just want to make sure you’re double-checking your work more closely.”

(It’s too soft. It reinforces their self-perception without helping them course-correct.)

Do say:

🟢 “You bring a lot of energy to the team and it’s clear people enjoy working with you. What I’m noticing, though, is that some of your recent deliverables have missed the mark — such as [INSERT A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE]. I want to be transparent with you about this gap, because I know your intentions are strong, but right now the execution isn’t meeting expectations.”

Clarity doesn’t crush confidence. It builds it, when it’s paired with care and specifics.

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Situation #2: The infamous brilliant jerk

You know the one. The person who delivers results (arguably better than anyone else on the team). But they roll their eyes in meetings, and interrupt others. You get the sense they make people feel small.

And here’s the hardest part: They think they’re being efficient. Focused. Honest.

So they’re confused when their influence starts to wane, when other team members stop being as collaborative with them as they once were.

This is where being vague — or just asking them to “be nicer” — won’t cut it.

Don’t say:

🔴 “You have great ideas. I just think you could work on your tone a bit.”

(It’s too vague. They’ll either dismiss it or feel personally attacked.)

Do say:

🟢 “You’re one of the sharpest thinkers on the team, and I don’t want you to lose your influence. What I’ve observed is that the way you’re sharing feedback — like jumping in before someone finishes, or dismissing ideas quickly — is making teammates less likely to bring things to you. Your ideas are strong, but the delivery is inadvertently hurting you.”

You’re not asking them to be softer. You’re asking them to be more effective.

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Situation #3: The top performer who’s burning out

They’re still delivering, and reliable. But their energy is off. They’re more withdrawn, less proactive, perhaps even a bit cynical. You can tell they’re at the edge.

You don’t want to push — but you also don’t want to ignore the signs.

Don’t say:

🔴 “Let me know if you need anything.”

(This puts the burden on them to ask, and doesn’t name what’s happening.)

Do say:

🟢 “You’re still doing great work, and I’m grateful for that. I also want to check in on your bandwidth and capacity right now. You’ve seemed a little more tapped lately, and I want to make sure we’re not pushing past what’s sustainable. What’s feeling most heavy right now, and how can I help?”

Even top performers need someone who not only notices, but asks.

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Situation #4: The “busy” contributor who isn’t making progress

This person is always in meetings, always working on something. But the strategic work is lagging. Deadlines keep slipping. And you can’t quite pinpoint where the time is going… It’s definitely not going toward what matters most.

Don’t say:

🔴 “You’ve been working hard. Just try to be a little more focused on the bigger picture.”

(It’s too abstract. And it reaffirms only the effort without addressing results.)

Do say:

🟢 “You’ve been juggling a lot, and I can see how much effort you’re putting in. What I want to name, though, is that effort and impact aren’t quite lining up right now. For example, [INSERT A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE]. I’d love to talk about how we can make sure your time is going toward the things that will really move the needle, not just the things that feel urgent in the moment.”

This isn’t about calling them out. It’s about helping them recalibrate.

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Situation #5: The high performer who’s coasting

They’re hitting their targets. The competent team member you can always rely on. But they’re no longer stretching themselves, or raising their hand proactively. They seem to be just… cruising.

At first, you’re relieved they’re not a problem. But over time, you’re concerned the stagnation will become the new norm, evolve into ambivalence, and set a precedent for the rest of the team.

Don’t say:

🔴 “You’re doing a great job — just wondering if you’ve thought about what’s next?”

(It makes it sound like they should be the one 100% bringing ambition to the table.)

Do say:

🟢 “You’ve been consistently strong in your role, and I think this opens up a beautiful challenge for you. You’ve mastered what’s in front of you. I’d love to explore what it might look like to push yourself into something new: Perhaps leading a new initiative or mentoring a junior teammate. How does that feel to you?”

Stretching isn’t just about promotions. It’s about deepening their growth and engagement in the team.

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Situation #6: The manager who’s avoiding conflict or too hands-off

If you’re a manager of managers, you’ve likely seen this person on your team before: A well-intentioned leader. Someone who trusts their team, at their core, wants nothing more than to empower, not control, others.

But you notice their team drifting. Confusion and inconsistent results appear more and more often on the horizon. It’s clear a stronger leadership presence is missing.

Don’t say:

🔴 “You might consider being a little more involved — just to make sure nothing falls through the cracks.”

(It’s vague and easy to dismiss.)

Do say:

🟢 “I know you want to empower your team, and I respect that. What I’m seeing, though, is that the team seems unclear on direction and expectations, such as when [INSERT SPECIFIC EXAMPLES]. Your role isn’t just to support: It’s to steer. Let’s talk about what that could look like without feeling like micromanagement.”

You’re not hovering, when you say this. You’re helping to course-correct, when it matters.

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Situation #7: The well-meaning person who always has a (legit) reason things didn’t get done

Sick kids. Migraines. A tech issue. A teammate who dropped the ball. This person is not making excuses to be difficult. You believe them… But the work keeps slipping.

This is where compassion and accountability feel like they’re at odds. But they don’t have to be.

Don’t say:

🔴 “I totally understand, life happens. Just try to get it in when you can.”

(It unintentionally signals that expectations are flexible, even when they’re not.)

Do say:

🟢 “I know you’ve been navigating a lot, and I believe you’re doing your best with what’s on your plate. At the same time, I want to be honest with you: Your delays are affecting the team. So I’d love to figure out together, what needs to shift so that we can meet expectations more consistently going forward?”

This isn’t about questioning their integrity. It’s about keeping trust — and forward momentum — intact.

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Okay, now the hardest part…

You still have to say the thing, yourself 😅

None of these scripts will do this hard part for you: The emotional courage it takes to speak up when it would be easier to stay quiet.

But my hope is the above notes will help you feel just a little more ready. A little more equipped. A little more willing to trade perfection for progress.

If one of these resonated and you saw your own reflection in one of these situations, give it a shot in the coming days, even if it feels awkward or abrupt at first. Don’t wait for the timing to feel ideal. Just say the thing. (And feel free to read this piece if you’re a self-identifying nice person, in advance.)

Remember: Clarity isn’t cruelty. It’s what’s required for good leadership. And it’s what helps teams — and people — ultimately grow.

– Claire

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If you’ve always wanted to get better at delivering difficult feedback, here are ways you can directly work directly with me, Claire, Founder & CEO of Canopy:

• 📣 Invite me to deliver team keynotes and workshops, remotely or in person on topics that help leaders with communicating clearly, including “Executive Communication” and “Giving Difficult Feedback Well.”

• 🚂 Partner with me to roll-out a leadership training program for your managers to help them master hard performance conversations.

• 🌿 Use Canopy, our lightweight leadership learning app, in your day-to-day.

• 🤝 Explore 1:1 executive coaching with me personally to help you elevate your leadership keep your best people. (I periodically have spots upon up throughout the year — I’ve had the privilege of coaching leaders at companies like Apple and Uber, and welcome the opportunity to share those learnings in-depth with folks one-on-one.)

I’d be honored to chat and see what might be the best fit for you. Feel free to reach out to me directly here 💚

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